Wenn ich jetzt schadenfroh wäre, würde ich sagen, es hat genau den Richtigen Umweltsünder getroffen…
Amerikanische Talk-Master machen sich aber schon genug über die Geschehnisse lustig, daher hier mal kurz ein paar Schnippsel (english only):
They sent specialists down there to start a controlled fire on the ocean to burn the oil off. That’s how you know when things are bad, when the ocean on fire is an improvement.
Jay Leno
Prison inmates in Louisiana are now pitching in to clean up the Gulf oil spill. At this point, the solutions have been: dump chemicals into the ocean, shoot a bunch of garbage underwater, and release prisoners. If none of that works, they’re going to have al-Qaida come take a look at it.
Jimmy Fallon
One in 8 people are saying that they will not buy gas from BP any more. That is, unless they’re cheaper than the gas station across the street.
Jay Leno
I’ve never been more glad that I’m not a Gulf shrimp than I am today.
Jimmy Kimmel
How about that oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico – or as they renamed it, the "Dead Sea".
David Letterman
Hey, here’s some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh?
Jay Leno
BP has asked Pamela Anderson if she would donate a bra to help cap the oil leaks.
Janice Hough
Since the four-story dome that BP thought would stop the Gulf oil leak has failed, they think clogging the pipe with useless scrap material may work. They’ll use materials that are not biodegradable, like shredded tires and your in-laws‘ Christmas fruit cakes.
Jerry Perisho
BP is now using a special containment dome called a "top hat" that shoots methanol into the oil leak. A top hat that shoots methanol? That doesn’t sound like an emergency device – that sounds like something Lady Gaga would wear to the VMAs.
Jimmy Fallon
According to the top people in the petroleum industry, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico will not affect gas prices. They were going up anyway.
Jay Leno
Transocean has cited a law from 1851 to limit the amount of their liability in the Gulf oil spill. Leave it to the oil companies to protect themselves even then. They lobbied for protection eight years before the first U. S. oil well was even drilled.
Jim Barach
That idea about using a concrete dome to cover up the oil leak in the Gulf did not work. Experts are calling this the worst use of a concrete dome since they built that stadium for the Detroit Lions.
Jay Leno
This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded.
David Letterman
Congress told BP that they can’t "label this catastrophic failure an unpredictable and unforeseeable occurrence." Congress used that excuse already for not catching the financial meltdown in time.
Jay Leno
They tried a big dome to stop the leak and that didn’t work, and then they tried a little dome and that didn’t work, and then they tried to stuff the hole with garbage. Now they’re talking about dumping lettuce and croutons into the Gulf and declaring it a giant salad.
Jay Leno
Florida Governor Charlie Crist says he wants BP to pay $35 Million for a tourism ad campaign. The new campaign says "Come to Florida. Sunbathers don’t even need to apply oil, it’s already on the beach!"
Jim Barach
BP still has not managed to stop the oil leak in the Gulf. The plan now is to plug the leak this week with a "top hat." But first they have to find an enormous game of monopoly that has the piece.
Jimmy Kimmel
BP is now dispersing dispersants to counter the oil spill in the Gulf. I think we can trust BP with toxic chemicals, don’t you?
David Letterman
They’re also trying to plug the oil leak with shredded tires and old golf balls. It’s like the front lawn at Tiger Woods‘ house.
David Letterman
They’re considering a plan to fire golf balls and rubber tires into the leak to clog it. Toyota and Tiger Woods may finally have a chance to redeem themselves after all.
Jimmy Kimmel
The BP executives responsible for the big oil spill in the Gulf testified before Congress. They were criticized by the same guys that approved drilling in the Gulf.
David Letterman
BP, Transocean, and Halliburton are all blaming each other for the Gulf oil spill. And you know what? They’re all right.
Jay Leno
BP engineers are working on a plan to shoot different types of garbage into the Gulf oil leak to clog it up. People on the Gulf Coast are like "Do whatever you have to do to end this," while fish on the Gulf Coast are like "You’re kidding me."
Jimmy Fallon
Although it seems like nothing is getting accomplished in the Gulf, and the situation is getting worse every day, the government has been involved in the clean-up effort since the beginning. They said that, as proof of their involvement, nothing has really been accomplished and the situation is getting worse every day.
Jay Leno
The Republican National Committee is already questioning Elena Kagan’s "commitment to the Constitution"? One question, if these folks are so committed to the Constitution, where were they when George W. Bush was shredding it?
Janice Hough
Top Ten Ways BP Can Improve Its Image
10. Change ‚BP‘ from ‚British Petroleum‘ to ‚Bunnies and Puppies‘
9. Scrap the snotty British accents
8. Cry on ‚Oprah‘
7. Take a page from AFLAC. New mascot: wise-cranking oil-soaked duck
6. Find bin Laden
5. Start making cookies. Who doesn’t love cookies?
4. What’s wrong with our image?
3. Switch from ‚Drill Baby Drill‘ to ‚Help Daddy Help‘
2. Instead of their image, maybe they can focus on fixing the damn leak!
1. For goodness sakes, get Iron Man to do something!
David Letterman
Top Ten Surprises At The Senate Oil Spill Hearing
10. We may be moving to Mars sooner than we thought
9. Proceedings hosted by the delightful Betty White
8. Executives stalled by doing „Glee“-style musical number
7. BP promised to never destroy the environment again
6. Half of the questions were about whether LeBron should come to the Knicks
5. BP chairman kept doing hilarious „the oily bird catches the worm“ joke
4. Out of habit, CEO from Toyota showed up
3. Amazing how sleazy those lying bastards are. And the oil executives were worse! Now stay tuned for Jaywalking!
2. Everyone seems excited about Late Show’s Close-Up Magic Week
1. We’ll get Iron Man to fix it
David Letterman
Top Ten Dumb Guy Ways To Fix The Oil Spill
10. Have you tried club soda?
9. Relax, BP says they got it under control
8. Shhh . . . „Dancing with the Stars“ is on
7. Swiffer that mess
6. Ask John McCain how they handled the great oil spill of ’23
5. Don’t look at me, I voted for Kucinich!
4. If you got an extension cord, I got a Shop-Vac Wet/Dry
3. Oil spill?
2. I thought Ironman was on it
1. Invade Iraq
David Letterman
Dann is ja alles gut, wenn die Amerikaner das alles mit so viel Humor nehmen…
